I'm just gonna come right out and say it because I have been getting asked what my future plans are by literally every single person I come across lately. Yes, I am moving back to Lake County.
If you would've told me a year ago that I would be moving back to my tiny lil country home town I would've been like "yeah fucking right. I'm never moving back to Lake County."But here we are. This was not by any means a part of my plan. A few months ago, I was planning on staying in Irvine, starting my MBA, being a Grad-Assistant at my university for our women's indoor team, and going back to my serving job at a sushi restaurant. However, COVID-19 kinda ruined that.
I've had my fair share of days where I literally just cry every single time I think about leaving my life in Irvine behind. I won't even lie, I'm tearing up right now just typing this. This was a huge decision for me and it was definitely not something I took lightly. I really just had to think about what was truly going to be best for me in the long run, and this was what it boiled down to.
This is not a permanent thing by any means. Being back home for the next year will allow me to grow and have more opportunities than I would in Irvine. I know that sounds absolutely fucking insane, trust me I can't even believe I'm saying it, but it's true. I know deep down that coming back home will put me in a better position to build the life I want and have been working towards over the years. I won't have to worry about working 2-3, maybe even 4 jobs, just to be able to pay my rent and bills, and dig myself into a deeper financial hole. Instead, I can save money, work on paying my debt off, get a full time job, and get back on my feet.
It's true when they say that post grad feeling is intense. You work so hard for years to get your degree and then once you finally do it, reality sets in, and that crazy, amazing chapter of your life is closing, everything is spiraling, and you're trying to figure out your next move. Then throw in the fact that there's a global pandemic through the midst of it all and you feel like you might actually lose your mind. There's so much uncertainty that it's so hard to even know wtf to do.
When I moved away, I was SO beyond happy to get tf out of Lake County and never look back. I was in a new place where no one knew me, no one judged me because of who I was in high school or who my friends were or all that stupid shit that people do here. No one was talking about who they saw me out to lunch with or how I was acting at the bars because no one knew me and literally NO ONE gave a shit. It was so damn refreshing and I swore to myself I would never go back. While being gone, I grew so much as a person. I look back at the girl I was before I moved away and I swear I do not recognize her at all.
Moving away was the best decision I've ever made for a ton of different reasons. One being that, I finally got to experience what life is like outside of Lake County, and let me freaking tell you, it's amazing. Lake County is just a tiny, tiny lil sliver on the map compared to everything that is out there and I feel like it is important for everyone to get tf out of here and experience what life is like in other places in order to gain more knowledge and actually grow as a person. When I was in high school, I used to say I only wanted to move far enough to where I could come home on the weekends if I wanted to, but seriously thank god I didn't. I know that if I had the luxury to come home whenever I wanted, I would have never had the experiences that I did. Being 8 hours away from home was hard at first, don't get me wrong, but holy hell did it teach me to grow some damn balls and finally become my own person.
With all that being said, I am thankful for the experiences I had, the lessons I learned, the friends I made, and everything I accomplished since moving away. It really allowed me to grow into the woman I am today. I was so scared that me moving back to Lake County meant that I was a failure and that it was going to reverse all of the growth that I had made over the last 2 years of being gone. But, if anything, me growing into the person that I have since moving away has actually brought me back here for the time being in order to continue to grow, which is honestly kinda crazy to think about.
Rather than dwell on the fact that I'm back in my hometown, which I'm not gonna lie, I do at times, I'm trying to think about the positives. Which are, being with my family and friends and not having to miss out on the things that I have missed out on over the last 2 years because I was 8 hours away. And, the fact that I get to use this lil town as a stepping stone to take me to the places I want to go in the future. My mom has always told me that things never really change around here and she's right, so for that I am thankful.
Do I still have days where I question if I'm even making the right decision? Yes. Am I learning to accept that it is what it is and I just need to trust divine timing of life? Also yes.